The scripture has come to mind often for a while now…
“do the works you did previously when first you knew the Lord… to your first love” (revelation 2:5)
I wasn’t quite sure what that meant as I recognize a lot of growth and intimacy with the Lord more solidly and fruitfully than I experienced when I first met Jesus. Then one Sunday, when I did my usual Sunday morning ritual of turning on my gospel music playlist and making coffee, a smoothie and getting ready for church, my heart experienced a calm. As I experienced this peace in the midst of a disappointment to my heart, I remembered the first time I took communion and how God had led me to this church that was a traditional Gospel church with no air conditioning, praying and preaching all through the worship service and how uncontrollably I cried as I experienced the love and cleansing of God. Music that speaks the cries of my heart and dump the love of God into my heart and mind with an ease in which I would loose track of time for hours at a time is one of the sweetest gifts. As I listened to one song in particular the other day, the woman sang these lyrics that gave voice to my heart “You weren’t there the night Jesus found me. You did not feel what I felt when He wrapped his loving arms around me and you don’t know the cost of the oil. Oh, you don’t know the cost of my praise.” As I listened to this song, the verse “do the things you did at first,” came back to my mind.
I don’t feel like I’m a big crier. I seem to go through seasons where I cry more than others, not so much just from simply being “emotional” but more because of heart (spiritual) experiences. I feel our emotions are a gift to connect with others and letting people into our emotional lives should only be given to those that treasure our hearts and respect our journey. As I chatted with my dear friend the other day, and we talked about my recent spurts of crying, she made the statement that it almost seems that crying in this season of my life is actually cleansing and opening my heart in ways that it’s been closed and neglected in the past. As she said this I felt the truth of her insight so true. I heard the following song a little while ago and despite my thoughts of rebellion and scheming my own plans of running from the people of God because I don’t like some of their views on things and approaches, I was humbled to respect the journey we are each on, humbled to realize how much I love Jesus despite my immaturity, selfishness, and in spite of my attempts to manipulate Him, He loves me wrecklessly and fully, and He delights and enjoys me in each season of my life. We have a lot of choices to make in life, and we get to choose to be grateful and love both God and those in our lives, God never forces us to do anything, that’s the beauty of it all, the choices.
Choosing to not let go of Jesus when I want to freak out and throw a fit (or throw stuff), is a choice and one that His love compels me to make if I let Him. Nobody can love us like Jesus… Not your best friend, your boyfriend, your mom, nobody.
“It took some time to get to this place… Jesus, I don’t want to let you go… In His presence forever…”